Beside Myself
Posted on October 21st, 2007
I’m over everything. I’m over blaming myself for everything. I’m not a bad person. In fact I know that I’m the complete opposite. That I would bend over backwards for almost anyone. Perhaps so much so to the point of having people walk all over me a bit.
I’m finished trying. I offer so much help to someone, helping them move, helping with financial situations, coming to their rescue when they’re stranded, watching dogs, being there when they’re troubled and lonely. I’m tired of trying to be a friend to people who could give two shits about you, who don’t even care to make the effort anymore.
I had dinner with someone today. She said, “My best friends are just people who haven’t fucked me over yet.” Maybe there’s a bit of truth to that.
I know who I am, and for once I’m going to live for just myself and the friends that really matter.
I am completely beside myself.
Gone
Posted on October 14th, 2007
I don’t know why Sunday’s are harder for me in particular. It’s been over a week since Jenny broke up with me. This whole situation is a mess. One big god-awful mess. I feel like I’ve lost 2 friends. One being my very best friend in the entire world. There’s so many things that are all so wrong in all of this. I did one thing so stupid in a moment of desperation and uncertainty. And now I’ve lost the trust of my best friend. I feel like she thinks I’m some sort of monster, someone she doesn’t even know anymore. I’m afraid to even talk to her anymore for fear of making things even worse.
I deleted my Myspace and Facebook. I just can’t stand the drama anymore. In my mind, I’m thinking furiously about how to win back her trust. How to win it back when I can’t even talk to her, when she won’t talk to me, when she won’t even give me one moment to ourselves to resolve everything and to find our place in friendship again.
To make matters worse, I feel like I made things even worse by being honest about what had happened and telling Jenny the specifics of everything. I initially lied about it. But I’ve never lied to her! And so I felt compelled to tell her the truth. It’s just horrible because I feel like I’ve broken down our trust even more by telling her the truth.
IT’S ALL ONE BIG MESS! >_<
On another side of things, I’ve been hanging out with my friends more. Making new friends. Since the majority of them seem to have moved to LA in just the past 2 months alone. I’ve started to attend acting groups. I’m quitting Apple, for reasons not just because of what happened but mostly to stop being so overworked and to just find myself and focus on being happy. I’ll admit that I’m a little nervous about quitting Apple. Even though it was tough working 60 hour weeks, I really enjoyed meeting new people and just being AROUND people. So
after quitting, I’m going to have to get used to being alone a lot, and actually making big efforts hanging out with friends and people. But I suppose I’m fine with that. I’m seriously not even looking for people to date. I just can’t handle anything like that right now.
But it’s Sunday. And for some reason the emptiness inside, the emptiness of losing friends, is so much harder to bear today for some reason. But I figure it’s hard to forgive someone for breaking trust.
I can’t even forgive myself.
Losing Friends
Posted on July 6th, 2005
I haven’t been able to sleep all night. I got a phone call from my friend Smalls earlier this afternoon. At first, I thought it was some prank. And for a second I thought it had something to do with my family, because I know they stayed at our summer camp for the 4th of July. So I called back the number (which wasn’t previously added to my phone) and realized that it was Smalls who had called, one of my good friends from French Woods.
And then the news hit me. Smalls goes on to tell me that some people were out driving at FWF and there was a car accident involving Dina Goldstone along with some other people. I was shocked. Dina was one of the very first people I had met at FWF and we became pretty good friends. But then I realized something. What about the other people in the car? Dina and I both had the same friends at FWF. Was anyone else that I know hurt? I ended up emailing Dan Delaney, another really good friend of mine at FWF, and tried to find out some more information. I read the reply and discovered that not only did Dina Goldstone die in the car accident, but Chris Cloppas as well!
I was heartbroken. Chris and I were the best of friends this past summer. He treated me like a brother while I was there. Cloppas, Graham, along with a few others and myself…we all called ourselves G-Unit, and we were all so close. We even had code names. Cloppas was Polar Bear. Graham…Cracker. Quett was Chinatown. And Cloppas ended up calling me Shotgun, because of the breakdance move that I would do. I just couldn’t believe something like that would happen to him and Dina!
I broke down into tears when I heard the news. And it’s times like these when I thank God that I have Jenny for support…for someone who will give their shoulder to cry on. Afterwards, I called some people who I knew was pretty close to both Dina and Chris just to let them know what had happened. I also called the office at FWF just to get the official details. According to Larry, Chris, Dina, and a new counselor named Robbie, were driving when a deer came out and they swerved to miss it. They ended up crashing into a bunch of trees. Dina and Chris died instantly, and Robbie was ejected from the car, barely surviving the accident.
The kids are what worry me the most. These kids’ very existence revolves around going to FWF for the summer. And to think that about this time last year, Sheri died as well! I can remember Ron gathering everyone at camp and making the announcement that she had passed away…and the kids…just bursting into tears. It makes me so sad. I really hope the kids are alright. They would do anything for their counselors, especially for those as great as Chris and Dina.
It hurts so much to lose friends…
In memory of Dina Goldstone and Chris Cloppas
Getting Away
Posted on June 5th, 2005
So last night Jenny and I decide to go away to California for the weekend again. We left Saturday night after Jenny got off work and got a hotel in Glendale when we finally got there around 1:30AM.
We got up in the morning and went to the Universal Studios Theme Park. It was pretty fun. We got to watch a lot of shows, although my favorite was the actual tour of the studios in the back lot. That place is amazing. Just to see the sets and everything. It’s crazy seeing how what seem to look like houses aren’t REALLY houses.
It seems to me though that the shows are really dated. I mean come on. Back to the Future? Backdraft. Those are all like movies of the 80’s and 90’s. I mean one show was Terminator 2 in 3D. Hello! Terminator 3 is out already. Sounds to me like Universal Studios needs an overhaul to their theme park. Regardless…it was a lot of fun! One of my favorites was Shrek in 4D. Except I HATED it when the water sprayed all over me. How many times is Donkey going to sneeze already? Sheesh!
And then we strolled down Hollywood Boulevard and checked out the Hollywood Stars. Grauman’s Chinese Theater was also pretty cool. I found the Gandalf at the front amusing. It’s a shame we really didn’t know what to do down there. Maybe next time we’ll do some more research. In my case, I want to go and check out some of the musicals they have.
We chugged down a ton of Starbucks and headed home.
It’s nice to just get away sometimes.
Jenny and Arnold’s handprints. They’re not as big as I thought they would be.
Jenny in front of Grauman’s Theater.
Beachy Keen
Posted on May 22nd, 2005
Wow what a crazy day. On a whim, Jenny and I decided to wake up this morning and drive to California, go to the beach, and come back late in the night. Yeah well, we started off at 11 in the morning and drove for about 5 hours and finally got to California, found a place to park at Santa Monica Beach, and stuck are toes in the sand by, oh, around 4PM or so.
We stayed for a good 5 hours and just relaxed on the beach for a while. It’s funny because just last week, I was on the beach at Coney Island with Kate in New York. Now clear across the country, I find myself on the beach in Santa Monica, California. Craaazy! So we walked around the pier for a while and checked out the little carnival thing they had going on there. We ate at the awesome Mexican restaurant there. The crab stuffed potatoes were amazing. I also got this humongous margarita that we both shared. I didn’t drink so much because I had to drive so I left the entire thing up to Jenny. By this time, she’s a little tipsy and we check out the games they had going on there. Jenny wanted me to play this balloon popping game, so I played and won her this cute little teddy bear. Score! Then we checked out the picture booth and we got some pictures of us being all cute.
Jenny takes a picture of me driving.
Ahhh…the beach!!!
BIG Margarita
Awesomeness.
I won Jenny the teddy!
Jenny should be a model. Whaaaa! Santa Monica Pier.
So after about 5 hours on the beach, we finally decide to head back home at around 9:30PM. We didn’t get home until like around 1 or so. Ah but what fun we had. I think we should do it more often.
Race
Posted on May 17th, 2005
Something always happens when I’m flying. Always! *Sigh* So my connection from NY came in late to Atlanta and Delta has had to put me up at the nearest Holiday Inn. I grabbed a drink at the bar to help me fall asleep and I gave Jenny a call and we talked pretty much all night.
I feel so dirty! Ickkk. I’ve got all kinds of NY humidity and sweat on my clothes. I took a shower last night but I don’t think that helped. And considering my luggage has probably already been shipped off to Vegas, I haven’t been able to change into something cleaner.
It’s good to have friends almost everywhere you go. I got a hold of my friend Morgan whom I taught dance with at French Woods and we had breakfast together this morning at the Cracker Barrel. I’ve never been to one before, and I’ve only heard of them because my roommate Mike worked out one.
I’ll be boarding my flight in just a few minutes. Thank goodness, too. I finally get to see my girlfriend and just have her in my arms again.
This southern accent is starting to get on my nerves.
Back In Vegas
Posted on May 17th, 2005
So how about I come home today from my trip in NYC and Jenny comes to pick me up at the airport. After a sweet embrace, we head to the car to find roses on the dashboard as well as a card. I open the card and after the kind blurb of words, Jenny’s got something else written in there: Hint #1 Go to the place where you can fill your tummy. Hint #2 Go to the place where the water spins clockwise. Whether or not the water spins clockwise or counter-clockwise in the US doesn’t make a difference once you hear what I find next. I come home and find my dining room draped in red with even more roses hanging from the ceiling. The table is covered with white cloth, and on there are more roses, as well as plates and silverware for the both of us. In the oven, Jenny has a meal warming for the both of us. So I sit down to have a late breakfast and notice there’s a box next to my plate. So I open it up and I find a brand new wallet! Is that awesome or what! I’ve had my current wallet since I was 13 and here I am (finally) at 21 and I get a brand new wallet. So happy.
I have the best girlfriend ever. So despite our squabbles this past weekend, it all turned out okay as it always does.
Contact
Posted on May 16th, 2005
Nearly five months from my relocation to Las Vegas, I find myself on the east coast once again. The ever elusive Kate Jannuzi, of all people, was somehow compelled to buy me a plane ticket to come to Manhattan and attend this conference known as GEMS. That’s Global Entertainment and Media Summit. I didn’t really understand what the whole point of the conference was all about until I actually went to see for myself.
First, a little bit about Vegas and my current feelings about my experience there thus far. Las Vegas is known to be the fastest growing city in the country, and possibly the world. Despite the preconceptions of it being a cesspool of prostitutes and debauchery, we have approximately 6,000 people moving into the city each month. MONTH! So where am I going with this?
It seems the lights and the “wow” factor has been so great to suck up even me. Not really saying that’s a bad thing, because no doubt, Las Vegas is a fascinating city. What it’s really lacking, however, is culture. Art. Passion. I look into the eyes of its citizens day by day and I can see the same disillusioned expression eating away at them. Are they happy? Yes. But not for the right reasons. This cookie-cut society holds no worth whatsoever. The scope of their personalities bear no weight when the depth of their virtues and beliefs are practically null.
What I’m saying is that I can feel a distinct void in my life. Creativity and inspiration rarely surface for me, especially when I’m knee deep in my own distractions. I’m lacking focus…culture…people. I’m lacking those things that define who I am as an individual.
Back on the subject of NYC, from day one of being in the city, I found it so easy to connect to people again. The dazed look is gone and what you see in their eyes are drive and determination. New York is a very cruel and harsh city. But the culture and the zeal are what surface to the top. In this city, I find it so easy to speak my mind again. And for once I’m beginning to realize what it is that I want to do.
Simply put, GEMS has allowed me to realize myself as an artist once again. Despite the very few and sporadic times Kate and I have been able to converse, they’ve always been so profound and meaningful. We’re both undergoing great changes as artists. However, as she puts it, there’s something great in store for the both of us together. I’ve met so many amazing people at this conference, from movie directors such as Hal Hartley, to movie and music producers, executive producers, attorneys in entertainment, and even other growing and working artists both in the film and music industries. What GEMS has showed the both of us is that to make something great happen, to instill a profound change in the human condition, it cannot be done alone. These meaningful interactions are what is going to allow those things to happen.
To wrap it up, I’ve made great contacts both professionally and personally. Steve, has proved to be an incredible event coordinator (and much much much more) whom I respect greatly and of whom see wonderful things emerging. Wayne also has made an incredible impact in my life during this past weekend. No doubt, I have found a great mentor in him as both an Image Consultant and Acting Coach. As well as the many other artists I’ve met this weekend!
There’s something I’m missing in Vegas. Me! For once, I want to do things for myself.
I’ll be back in New York again.
View from the Empire State building.
Kate dancing on the bar at Hogs and Heifers
I Got A Kitten!
Posted on April 22nd, 2005
How bout them apples?
As I type up this entry, a new addition to my family and friends is sitting on my lap right next to my laptop. A few days ago, Jenny, being the amazing girlfriend she is, cooked me one of the best salmon dinners I’ve ever had. Mmmm! Salmon, and veggies, and potatoes, and biscuits. So anyway, a piece of fish somehow ended up on my shirt. What a messy slob I am. Haha. And I brushed it off and it fell on the floor. At that moment, it struck me! I wish I had a cat so it could just nibble the piece of fish off the floor! So I said it out loud to Jenny. “I wish I had a cat”. We started putting away dishes and everything and I was like “Jenny, let’s get a cat.” And she says to me, “Are you being serious? Because you’re making me very excited right now.”
Before I know it, I’m at Pet Kingdom looking at a cute 8 week old Tabby cat along with her brother in a glass cage. At first, I went for the boy because it was more energetic and seemed much more playful. Then as Jenny and I were working walking away, the little girl started meowing and pawing the glass cage like she was all lonely. Meanwhile the dude cat in my arms was thinking like, “Uh oh.” I felt sorry for the poor girl because she looked so lonely, and I asked the store worker if I could have her instead.
Needless to say, Jenny and I came home with a new kitten and we named her Cali as in California. Sort of as a reminder that we’re not going to stay here in Vegas forever and eventually we’re going to move to California someday.
Headlong
Posted on April 9th, 2005
Well here I go with my monthly entry into my journal. Once again so much has happened. So let’s start where I left off from last month.
In terms of employment, I began working at Wells Fargo shortly after my last post. It was a temp to hire position and had I chosen to stay, I could have had a relatively decent job on my hands as a Credit Analyst. Ok so what happened to the job with Channel 8. The recruitment process and whole resume bit takes so slow and apparently someone nabbed the position before anyone could even look at my resume, even with the help of the news anchor Dr. Viggiano hooked me up with. Regardless, I also began working with Apple Computer and completed training with them shortly after I started with Wells Fargo. Now I’m supposed to uphold all these non-disclosure agreements and what not so don’t expect me to write too much about my work there. Let’s just say that Apple is an AMAZING company to work for, even at the grunt level.
And so the apartment hunting started! I was looking for something close to work and I thought maybe I could find someone on roommates.com or something. Nothing really turned up because most of the places I checked out were so ghetto. And most times people on roommates.com are kinda scary to begin with. So I figured maybe I’ll just drive up and down the street where Wells Fargo is and see if there are any places that are renting. Lo and behold, just a block a way from where I work (a Las Vegas block mind you), there was a community that was renting. So I checked it out and immediately fell in love with the place. The apartment I was going to be renting out had a beautiful pool-side view along with an 80 gallon roman tub. So hot. It’s just a really really nice 2 bedroom 2 bathroom apartment. Needless to say, after about 2 weeks of saving up my paychecks, I moved out of Jenny’s apartment into my new home.
The view outside my living room during a sunny day.
Another one when it’s not so sunny. You can see the pool better.
Working two jobs had been incredibly tough. Often times I’d find myself waking up to be at work at 7 in the morning, getting off at 3:30, then fighting traffic to be at my job at Apple at 5…and then working all night long to close the store at 10pm. And that would be my typical day most times. That was about to change, however.
A good friend of mine from back home whom I used to model with, Anthony, decided to come to Las Vegas for Spring Break. During his stay here he introduced me to a good childhood friend of his named Dave. I began to know Dave as a lucrative real estate broker and rather well off for a person of his age. Furthermore, Dave was a creative thinker, much as I am. To make a long story short, me and Dave hit it off not only as business partners but as friends as well. Over the weeks, he’s offered me a proposition to work for him on a web project and become involved in what could be a successful company. By successful meaning how much work I…we decided to put into it. He introduced me to another friend of his, Chip, who is by far one of the most incredible programmers I’ve come across. So Dave saw an opportunity in both me and Chip in which, coupled together, could start something potentially big for all three of us. So what the heck does all that mean?
Well, to make a long story short, I quit my job at Wells Fargo just this last Friday to work full time for Dave and his upstart production company as Creative Director. A risky move, yes, but as most people would know, I wouldn’t make such a move if I knew I wouldn’t be able to make it happen. That’s just it too. I really share the same vision these other 2 have. And the project we’re currently working on now I see as only the beginning of what the three of us could create. And what’s more is I could definitely see them as become pretty close friends in the future.
Now on to my more personal life: Jenny and I have been together for 6 months as of Thursday! That’s an accomplishment on my part because I can never really stand to be in a relationship longer than 3 weeks! And the longest relationship I’ve ever been in was 5 months! Seriously though, I just can’t being in long relationships sometimes. Most girls I’ve dated I’ve broken up with in a matter of 2-3 weeks. So anyway, I bought her some flowers and a card. I really couldn’t do much else because we both had to work pretty much all day. But tonight I’m taking her out to the Olive Garden as soon as she gets home from work. Yippee! I’m so hungry too because I haven’t eaten allll day.
I’m still having a hard time making some good friends, and I had told that to Jenny. She mentioned that I just need to stop caring about other people and start caring for myself. Because the minute I’m actually thinking about myself for once, the normal, outgoing, bubbly-obnoxious Howie comes out. *It’s really frustrating* I don’t know what my problem is sometimes. I mean, back in high school, I was sooooo stuck up and cocky. Then after a few months going to college, I began to have some serious self confidence issues. And I don’t mean to say that I was an outcast in college. Anyone could tell you that I was probably one of the most social people on campus. I mean, heck, I postered on magazines, posters, billboards, and day planners for the school. But still…I had trouble “fitting in” sometimes. I guess most people wouldn’t be able to tell because I really am so outgoing, but it’s a feeling that I’ve had for a really long time. I don’t feel like I really fit in anywhere I go.
I’m just hoping that the longer I stay in Vegas, the more I’ll be able to make good friends. I really don’t want to stay here forever either, because I eventually want to head to Los Angeles and settle there for grad school. Anyway, I guess I need to start focusing more on being myself, rather than worrying about trying to be “someone”. After all, I am “someone” right?
Right.