I’ve just sat here for 5 minutes wondering what to write. It’s funny how I had so much stuff in my head during the drive home. Now it’s like, what should I write? What shouldn’t I write? I know a lot of people read this. Which I find kind of strange, though somewhat flattering, but ultimately weird.

My emotions are just so back and forth, up and down lately. It’s been almost 4 weeks now. 4 weeks, It’s a little hard to believe. One day, one moment, I’d be fine. I’d be able to talk to her and muster the emotional capacity to speak to her civilly as friends. Other days, most days really, I just find myself holding back from wanting to talk about how I feel. How I miss her company and friendship. I tell myself it doesn’t matter anyway. That all there is to talk about with her is about how she’s gone to some party the night before, got extremely wasted, and is completely hung over to even function or study or anything. And it goes on for days on end. Again, my emotions are mixed. Glad that she’s actually being social. That’s all I ever wanted her to be when she lived with me. To be social and go out and just be happy, with or without me there. But those feelings are dwarfed next to the ones that worry about her getting through school, making grades, and just doing the things she set out to do and promised herself, after all the tragedies of this year.

Lately though, the biggest, most looming feeling that’s come over me is the one that my head is telling me to do. That being to just detach myself from this person, back away, and let go. More than anger. than jealousy, than distrust, than insecurity. More than feelings of being used, feelings of confusion, feelings of abandonment, guilt. And wondering right from wrong, her fault or my fault, why this could possibly happen and how the hell we’ve come to this point…and the list can go on and on and on. More than any of these things, is that feeling to want to turn around and let go and walk away for a while. For a long time maybe. Maybe forever. I don’t know.

But even so. Even if I did those things and detached myself from ever having even spoken to her…I mean, Christ! I’ve met new people. Gone to a party here or there. Been going to the gym. Got cast in 2 independent film projects. Learning music. Painting. Just trying to keep myself busy and battling to keep myself happy from minute to minute. I’ve been meeting complete strangers, hanging out with their friends, meeting new people, and finding myself in the strangest, most bizarre, and unexpected places. Being the social outgoing Howie that I am and always have been. But there’s this big fucking emptiness at the very core of myself that will not go away. Call it whatever the hell you want.

Some things about yourself. Who you are. What you are. You don’t lose. They’re just suddenly taken away. By death. By love. By God. And after the tears, you’re left wondering how to put the pieces that are left back together.

Or to just turn around and walk away.

I’m over everything. I’m over blaming myself for everything. I’m not a bad person. In fact I know that I’m the complete opposite. That I would bend over backwards for almost anyone. Perhaps so much so to the point of having people walk all over me a bit.

I’m finished trying. I offer so much help to someone, helping them move, helping with financial situations, coming to their rescue when they’re stranded, watching dogs, being there when they’re troubled and lonely. I’m tired of trying to be a friend to people who could give two shits about you, who don’t even care to make the effort anymore.

I had dinner with someone today. She said, “My best friends are just people who haven’t fucked me over yet.” Maybe there’s a bit of truth to that.

I know who I am, and for once I’m going to live for just myself and the friends that really matter.

I am completely beside myself.

I don’t know why Sunday’s are harder for me in particular. It’s been over a week since Jenny broke up with me. This whole situation is a mess. One big god-awful mess. I feel like I’ve lost 2 friends. One being my very best friend in the entire world. There’s so many things that are all so wrong in all of this. I did one thing so stupid in a moment of desperation and uncertainty. And now I’ve lost the trust of my best friend. I feel like she thinks I’m some sort of monster, someone she doesn’t even know anymore. I’m afraid to even talk to her anymore for fear of making things even worse.

I deleted my Myspace and Facebook. I just can’t stand the drama anymore. In my mind, I’m thinking furiously about how to win back her trust. How to win it back when I can’t even talk to her, when she won’t talk to me, when she won’t even give me one moment to ourselves to resolve everything and to find our place in friendship again.

To make matters worse, I feel like I made things even worse by being honest about what had happened and telling Jenny the specifics of everything. I initially lied about it. But I’ve never lied to her! And so I felt compelled to tell her the truth. It’s just horrible because I feel like I’ve broken down our trust even more by telling her the truth.

IT’S ALL ONE BIG MESS! >_<

On another side of things, I’ve been hanging out with my friends more. Making new friends. Since the majority of them seem to have moved to LA in just the past 2 months alone. I’ve started to attend acting groups. I’m quitting Apple, for reasons not just because of what happened but mostly to stop being so overworked and to just find myself and focus on being happy. I’ll admit that I’m a little nervous about quitting Apple. Even though it was tough working 60 hour weeks, I really enjoyed meeting new people and just being AROUND people. So
after quitting, I’m going to have to get used to being alone a lot, and actually making big efforts hanging out with friends and people. But I suppose I’m fine with that. I’m seriously not even looking for people to date. I just can’t handle anything like that right now.

But it’s Sunday. And for some reason the emptiness inside, the emptiness of losing friends, is so much harder to bear today for some reason. But I figure it’s hard to forgive someone for breaking trust.

I can’t even forgive myself.