Thanksgiving today! Woohoo! Lots of food. WOOHOO! After conserving my meal plans for several weeks, I finally have a chance to pig out. Not really. Heh heh.

This morning we all gathered around the table and built this gingerbread house. I took a few pictures, but I’m on my mom’s laptop so I’ll have to post them in an edit later. We went to my grandmother’s around 3:30ish. It was great to finally see some of my relatives again. The last time I’d seen anyone was last year. Uncle Paul, for having terminal cancer, looked pretty good. He seemed very well spirited too, as did the rest of his family. His hair was sparse, a clear indication of chemotherapy, and he seemed a bit run down in the face. Otherwise, he was as chipper as any other year during the holidays, which is quite an encouragement to say the least. It was so great to see him again.

Aunt Cheryl was there and, of course, pulling the punches on my dad. She kept asking me questions about what I did in NY this summer and what my plans were after graduation. Grandma was curious about what I’ve been doing as well. Word travels fast apparently, because she already knew that I had a new girlfriend. Sheesh! I didn’t really tell anyone yet and already everyone in the family knows!

We all sat around and ate dinner. My great grandmother couldn’t make it this year, the first time we’ve ever had Thanksgiving without her. She just wouldn’t have been able to stay civil at the table what with her current condition. My great grandfather didn’t seem too well either. His legs are getting really bad apparently and so he and Martha left almost immediately after dinner. Poor Martha. Grandpap Renn isn’t around anymore and I think it’s really affecting her. She hasn’t been saying much lately, which is unusual because when we bring up politics at the table she would always have something to say.

Later on I was the designated entertainer. I did some card tricks for everyone and Aunt Cheryl would try to trip me up on almost every one of them. Christina was pretty interested so I showed her how to perform a few. We played Bingo and I won TWICE! So now I have a few pairs of socks and chocolate covered pretzels! Perfect for a poor, starving college student like me! My sisters won some dress up doll stuff.

I’ve been having a severe case of the butterflies lately. Not the good kind either. The really crappy kind that’s making me feel like I want to vomit. My hands have been really shakey too and I feel like my heart is about to explode in my chest. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.

I’ve been able to get some work done on Bill’s presentation though. I think it’s one of my more advanced designs as of late. It’s starting to shape up but it could still use a little work. I need to get working on finishing the Mindparticle Project for launch too. But I haven’t really been able to focus on any of that with all these shakes and all. Blah!

A really good Thanksgiving day today. I just hope it won’t be the last time I’ll be seeing a few people. It’s good to be with family again.

This afternoon after I got back from class, Mike had already left home for break, Adam was nowhere to be found, nobody on the floor was around, and Jenny went to take a nap. So I went out for a walk to think about things. I felt like Forrest Gump almost and I just kept walking to wherever my feet would take me. I ended up in bookstore of all places. I started to look around and noticed that caps and gowns were on display. The lady at the counter asked me if I needed any help. I asked her what the cords were all about. She explained that students who belonged to different majors receive different cords and so do special organizations and students with honors. So she asks me if I would like her to check if I’m receiving any special honors. Sure why not. So she pulls out this list and crosses my name off and hands me this beautiful medal with IUP’s logo engraved on the front. I asked her what it was for. She said that it was for graduating with highest honors: Summa Cum Laude. I didn’t even have to pay for it! She just handed it to me. Before I left she also told me to check out with the organizations I was in to see if I was supposed to be wearing any cords to represent them.

I walked around some more and went to the career services office and scheduled a meeting with Mark Anthony about finding a job and working on my masters. The career search lab was open so I checked around there for a while to look for jobs. I didn’t even bother looking for long because there wasn’t really anything good.

So finally I thought I’d stop by Bill’s studio to work on editing some video for The Mindparticle Project, but it turned out that Emily was already in there working on some stuff. We talked about how she was really nervous about graduating early too and that she was freaking out and crying all the time. Thank God! I’m not alone! It was just relieving to be able to vent, especially to someone who went through the same thing I did. But..umm..she ended up going to graduate school here, which is my absolute LAST resort. Haha. But it was still good to be able to talk about it. Then someone knocked on the door and this man came in. Boy was I in for a ride.

The man’s name was Dr. Frank Vigianno and he teaches Consumer Electronics meshes it in with Interior Design here. It turns out the guy is nationally known for researching and presenting the latest and greatest in consumer electronics. He told me that he’s been presenting products at the Consumer Electronics Show in Vegas for several years now. I was like what!?! YOU MEAN YOU PRESENTED AT CES!?! I almost fell off my chair. I’m an advocate for CES and getting into shows like that and actually presenting is quite a feat. Besides teaching, he does so many other things around the nation. So he goes on to tell me about how he’s been on TV for the past 20 years on ABC, CBS, NBC, and the Regis and Kathy Lee Show presenting the latest and greatest in consumer electronics. He totally blew me away. So later on, he starts asking me about what I do here. I told him about my work in the studio, IGDA, AMSGC, and all the projects that I’ve been getting myself into. So he says to me, well, how would you like to work in Vegas? Emily and I just looked at each other and we both knew we were thinking the same thing.

So sometime soon, I’m sending Frank a copy of my resume and he’ll be getting in touch with his contacts at the broadcasting stations in Vegas about perhaps getting me a job. I’m not counting my chickens before they hatch, but at least it’s some stroke of luck which I’ve so very much needed lately. And what better a location than Vegas?

Start praying!

Wow…Jenny and I had a lot of things to talk about today. Well first of all, I had Nutcracker rehearsal. Laura didn’t cry at all today and she actually gave me five! Apparently I’m all she talks about now. Haha.

And me…all I talk about is Jenny. Ahhh! But anywho, me, her, and Joelle played a little game of Truth or Dare tonight. It was a lot of fun. It’s not like we found out all these crazy new things about each other. We already know everything about each other! But it’s fun to just hear her say things. I think this is the most I’ve wanted Jenny to be here with me more than ever. I was trying to think of a way to express those feelings.

miniwonderboy: you remember having your first crush on someone? how intense that was? how your universe revolved around that person? it’s like that for me right now. it’s like i’m a little kid again and you’re the only thing in my life worth living for
miniwondergirl: awww!! OMG!
miniwondergirl: i know!! agghh thats how i feel

That’s exactly it too. When I was a little kid, I went to visit the US for the first time with my family. I remember being in Alaska and there was this little girl I had met there. Her family was in the Navy too I guess. I can’t even remember what her name was. I remember us hiding in the closet together. We were just talking about something stupid. Something about our shoes I think. But all I could think about was how close I was to her in that tiny closet. Wow I had the biggest crush on that girl. I must’ve been like 5 or 6. My first crush. When I got back to the Philippines, she lived somewhere on the naval base, but I didn’t know where exactly. So my friends David and Daryl helped me get all dressed up in my very best clothes, and the three of us went around the entire naval base looking for her. We went on for hours. The flowers in my hand were half dead. I never found that girl. But I still remember that intense feeling I got…that feeling of first having a crush on someone.

16 years later, I’m 21. And I really do feel like a little kid again. I don’t care if I ever find that girl again. For all I care…I did. Her name’s Jennifer.

I’m a little kid in love. <3

Geez. I don’t know what happened to me today, but it was insane. I was feeling so ho-hum yesterday and last night. Jenny had sent me two emails when I got up this morning. I was running late for class, so I didn’t even get a chance to email her back. Simply put…I wanted to talk to her. I called her at like 10 my time, 7 her time, and left a voicemail. Class started at 10:30 and I kept thinking about it and thinking about it. It just sort of just swished around in my brain all morning. I guess it must have travelled to my stomach, because I just simply got sick to my stomach. As if the butterflies starting chewing away at my stomach…saying “Hey idiot! You NEED her!”

I don’t think I’ve ever felt so…strange in my life. Gosh. I think I just realized that I would literally die without her, if not by the butterflies in my stomach alone!

So today, I did something I never did in my life. I didn’t run away. And for the first time, I’ve never felt so strong and so sure about myself and the decision I’ve made. We talked nearly all night and it’s like we’re a stronger couple than we were before.

I think once December comes, I can say to myself, and everyone else…We can survive just about anything!

I love you Jenny!

My 101st entry. Where are the others you ask? Hey I don’t publish my ENTIRE life online. I’m not that much of an open book. And I’d rather not publish my 100th entry.

It wasn’t a very good Monday…at all. Business Comm is really pissing me off. The whole structure of that class is so unorganized for a business course. I got my score back from that pop-midterm we had. Thanks for that kick in the ass. Furthermore, I couldn’t figure out what the heck I got on the damn thing. So I asked the prof how to figure the scores out. The kid next to me blurts out, “Oh you got a 76!” So I glare at him and say, “You wanna announce that to the entire class?” Then the entire classroom bursts out laughing. People are such dumbasses sometimes.

There’s another thing that’s been bugging me. And I already talked it over, but I’m still really spooked. When stuff like this happens to me I just want to run away and hide from everything. I feel like I just got shot in the ass with a bullet and I’m afraid to go back out in the jungle. Argh! If there was just a switch that I could flip to make this feeling go away I would. But I feel like huddling up in a corner and just…I don’t know…crying. Ah well. Hey nobody’s perfect.

Tomorrow’s another day, but tomorrow also means I have to take this insane test for Tv Production. *Sigh* So much for tomorrow.

I know I’ll get over it sooner or later, but for the moment, I’m still a scared kid.

It’ll go away! I know it will. It has to.

So I went over to my Powerbook to write a journal entry. An hour later, the page is still blank. I get sidetracked way too easily. And you wonder why I don’t post more often.

Speaking of distractions, I’ve had so much work these past few weeks. This weekend is especially crazy. It’s not the kind of busy where I feel like I’m getting anywhere either. It’s like a ‘Ok let’s get this done so I can finally graduate’ busy. On the other hand, this presentation thing I’m creating in Flash for Bill is another thing I can add to my portfolio. It’s supposed to be an advertising tool so the school can present it to clients and so that they can send us tons and tons of money.

I have a shoot on Sunday. Me, Maggie, and maybe someone else will be shooting in the alleys on Philly street. It’ll be a murder scene with a katana sword. I’ve already cleared it with the police, so things should go smoothly. I need to buy blood, too. I don’t have any money to buy it though. Geez…maybe I should just slit my wrists and make my own…just kidding.

Oh my girlfriend just got her hair colored. I like it a lot. Hot!

Time for another busy as hell weekend.

I’m so glad I didn’t go out tonight. Chris called me and asked me if I wanted to party at his place. And so did Bob and Aileen. I ended up staying in for the night with Mike, Sai, Jeff, and Raz and we watched that movie Saved! It was hilarious. But afterwards, we got to talking about religion and all our different beliefs. I was raised as a Baptist, Sai’s Hindu, Mike’s Catholic, Raz is Muslim, and Jeff’s atheist. Stick us all in a room and have us talking about religion, and it’s obviously a heated discussion. But very cultural nonetheless. I loved it. It’s nights like these I like instead of having to put up with stupid skanky whores and dickfaced guys at ridiculously obnoxious parties.

Tonight was also my last night formally performing with IUP Dance Theater Company. Tomorrow I’m performing for this Woman’s Conference thing and that’ll be it with my performance with my company altogether. At least I’ll have the Nutcracker in December. It’s so sad that two and half years have gone by so fast. I still remember being a sophomore and performances like Britney’s Inferno with Headlong Dance Theater. Gosh…I miss those days a lot! Now that my dance career is just about over here, I’m wondering if I’ll ever dance for another company again in my life.

Some other good news: Jenny’s mom has officially bought the tickets for me to come visit in Idaho for two weeks. It’s so hard to believe sometimes but it’s true! I’m so excited I can hardly contain myself sometimes. I’m really missing her right now. As days go by it gets worse and worse. In fact, today marks the day we’ve been officially together for a month. But a month seems incomparable to the 8 years we’ve been wanting to be together.

Here’s to many more. Here’s to forever! I love you!

We’ll be in the same picture soon!

It’s been the third night in a row of having nightmares. I have no idea what’s going on. Last night was the worst of them all though. It wasn’t as much scary as it was really really sad. I dreamed that while I was home, I met up with a really old childhood friend of mine, Tom Daquilla. I haven’t seen the kid in forever. We were friends when I was in 4th grade and we practically lived at each others houses. He had this book of matches and he made something really weird and scary out of it. He arranged the matchsticks in such a way so that it was this weird three dimensional…sharp…thing. Kinda like an easel for a canvas. I stuck it in my wallet.

Later on, I was laying in bed and my sisters were already in the car waiting to drive me back to school. I left my wallet in the car and my dad was trying to start the car I think, so he was looking around through my stuff to find keys. Well somehow my youngest sister Sharon got a hold of my wallet and got that thing made of matches.

My dad came rushing in to get me, panicky. I was like, what!?? He told me that I should be careful of what I keep in my wallet. I ran out into the car with him and it was all bloody in the back seat. My dad was crying and he said he couldn’t stop the bleeding. Meanwhile I’m freaking out to see Sharon all bloody and dead in the back seat. That night I was crying about how horrible it was for me to keep those matches in my wallet. And how I hated Tom for making it for me! I was so sad and mad. Have you ever cried in your sleep? I was BAWLING in my sleep. My dad kept trying to tell me it wasn’t my fault but I wouldn’t believe him. I just started crying even more.

And then I woke up.

Sharon was beside me waiting for me to wake up. ‘I want to tell you a dream I had!’ she said. So I listened as she told me her dream.

‘Ice cream! They were giving out free ice cream, Howie! Except it was at the top of this reeeallly tall…thing. Clifford helped me get up all the way to the top. And I was starting to feel wobbly. And I fell off, Howie! And I fell down. And it didn’t even hurt! Mommy and Daddy saw it and came in to tell you what happened. That was my dream, Howie.’

What a cutiepie! I hugged her so hard when I woke up this morning. I think I realized just then just how much I missed my sisters.

It’s really early in the morning. I’ve just voted…not saying for whom. I think politics is a very rude topic of conversation. Anyway, my mom’s dropped me off and I’m just waiting for her. Which is good because I get a chance to write in my journal. There’s some people here that I recognize from high school John Battaglia. Doesn’t surprise me that kid never left this place. Once my mom picks me up, then it’s off to school. Argh…back to tons of work.

It’s strange because yesterday I was having a really bad day. Can’t really explain it. You know how you just have a day when you don’t want to talk to anyone or do anything? It was one of those days. Kinda like an emotionally “blah” day. I remember it didn’t use to be like that though. I miss Dr. Drew and always getting daily encouragement from him. He always motivated me to be something spectacular. I remember actually walking out of class with shivers up and down my spine because I was so excited to do something like work on a project. I keep getting weekly emails from Francis about the IGDA meetings. He’s so…on it. And he reminds me of how I had been these past years. I was always sending out emails encouraging group members to attend meetings and get work for the Mindparticle Project done. We did so much work and actually got published in the newspapers too. This semester though, I feel like some old guy getting the boot. With Dr. Drew gone, I feel like Dr. Partridge has found his new pet in Francis, kinda like how Dr. Drew found a future in me. In a way, I’m really excited for Francis. He’s a young guy who’s definitely deserving of such a position in IGDA. On the other hand, I’m going to be honest in saying that I’m somewhat jealous that he’s getting so much action. Granted that I do a lot of work in the studio with Bill, it doesn’t feel the same when you’re out there getting involved with other students in a collaboration getting really exciting work accomplished.

Ahh…I’ve gone off in a tangent. Just thinking about it makes me upset and frustrated. Reputation and career never used to be that big of a deal for me. I really need to move. Move out and move on. California? New York? Vegas? Anywhere but here. This place feels like a perpetual regurgitation of the past.

I think sometimes I just need a jumpstart.

…and a little less nightmares.