I’m really struggling to get motivated here. I’m not sure if it’s the lack of work in any of my classes or what. I told Mike just today that I feel really bad because he’s always doing work and I’m just sitting around doing stupid stuff like learning new magic tricks. Grrr. I wish Dr. Drew were still around. He always knew how to make me dream. I just need to get back to work on this project of mine for AMSGC. Hopefully I can get it done before Halloween so I can launch it sometime around then.

I don’t think I’m going to be heading into Bill’s studio at 9 tomorrow. I want to sleep in. But I do also want to go in and just learn some new stuff. It’s fun. IUP is starting to broadcast promotional commercials for the first time in its history. And guess who’s making them? Me! Woohoo! Yeah, so that’s real exciting.

Oh I’m also selling one of my Pittsburgh Grand Opening Apple Store T-Shirt. You can find it here if you want to bid:

There’s some that have sold for $50 to $100 so let’s cross our fingers. I’ll need the money because I’m building a new computer. My old one is dying. For details visit:

http://fund.howster.com

…and then laugh. But also feel sorry for me. Haha, just kidding.

17 more sleeps until Vegas! And until I get to meet my bestestestest friend in the whole world. Mike and I were talking about how I could figure out exactly which card the dealer was going to deal. Then we started talking about how I could get the crap beat out of me and me getting arrested. Yeah…then we stopped talking about it.

17 more…

This is for all you actors out there. You know how you get those nightmares where you’re on stage for a performance and you have no idea what your lines are or you’re not in costume or something stupid like that? Or being upstaged all the time and you can’t deliver your lines? Yeah well, that’s the story of my life it seems.

Last night started really awesome. Martha, Bob’s friend, came over to my place and we both cooked spaghetti and meatballs for like 15 people who all stayed and had dinner in my teeny tiny apartment. It was awesome, though. And it’s neat realizing that your circle of friends is actually a lot larger than you think if only you would just make that phone call. Everyone left and I checked the NYU website again to see if the admissions application came out and it did!

So I started printing it out and it’s like 38 pages long. It made me think of how quickly I’m leaving this place and how depressing it is to have to say goodbye to all my friends, especially after nights like last night. I seriously have a crap load to do before I get this application in. And it’s scaring me…my portfolio, letters of recommendation, and GRE tests, not to mention an interview there at NYC. Sometimes I don’t think I’m good enough. But I think I am. I think. I need to finish a lot of my other projects. I just feel like I’m losing my way and my motivation. Which is not good at all.

I tried getting some sleep, but I had nightmares all freaking night long. I dreamed about trying to find my way back from NY but I kept getting lost. And I just wanted to come home but I couldn’t. Then I’d wake up. Then I’d dream about being physically tortured and I’m choking. Then I’d wake up. I went out into the kitchen and chugged down some water because my throat was parched. My body was so weak too. Then I realized that those paralysis attacks had come back. Not good.

I tried to get back to sleep, but I couldn’t. Woke up for class at around 8:45 and went straight through with classes all day and then dance company class afterwards. We had a guest artist come in and audition us for her piece. But it was pointless for me to do so because I’m leaving in December. And then we had the student works audition. So I can only hope I’m in one of those. After dancing so much in NY and all the stress there, I can feel myself as a better dancer coming back. But then to audition for stuff and not get chosen when you know you’ve been in just about everything the year before is sort of heartbreaking.

Oh and I missed one of my classes this morning too. Which is HORRIBLE. But I came back from a dance class and passed out on my couch. Grrrr…then I slept in and realized I missed my class. And with those attacks I had during that stupid nap, it made it even harder. It’s getting to be more and more painful too. Like you’re choking.

Something else bothered me this morning too when I read Jenny’s journal. I’m not going to go into it. But it’s just another one of those real life nightmares.

I keep forgetting my lines and I feel like I’m being upstaged. How’s that for symbolism?

I’ve got a lot on my plate.

Welp, I’m back at school and already a week into classes. It’s not really all that bad this semester since I’m only taking 14 credits, 12 of which are actual classes, and one being a dance class; so does that even really count as one? Ha. Of course it does. But anyways I have a lot more free time now, which is a very good thing considering I didn’t even have time to breathe last year. It’s good. Yes. But I’m afraid it’ll throw off my pacing. If anything, I’ll try and spend a lot of time in the TV studio working on the cameras and down at Hamilton’s studio doing a lot of editing so that way I can do something productive in my free time.

It’s weird being 21 now. I can actually go to the bars, but everytime my friends invite me to go, I really don’t want to. Is it because I’d rather be in the bars at New York than here? I don’t know. It’s just not the same. But it’s great rooming with Mike because wherever we go, it doesn’t matter where we are or what we’re doing, it’s going to be fun no matter what since I’m with my best friend and all.

Gemma stopped by to hang out last night too. That was fun. I hope things are going well with her and that new guy. And I saw her apartment too. Very nice. Although I must say that Mike and I have established quite a pimpin’ place here at campus towers. Haha. Ok, not really.

Mike and Adam are going camping today and I’m still deciding whether or not I should go with them. But I know FOR SURE that I want to stop by home and visit my family. I miss them a lot. So I don’t know what’s going to happen just yet.