Jenny did the nicest thing today. She sent me pictures!!! It’s been a while since the last time she’s done so, that’s for sure. But it’s good to see her face again. Sometimes I wish she’d stop thinking she doesn’t look good, because she does. It’d be one of my life’s wishes–to make people more confident in themselves.

Tre also came home from her vacation in Maryland. She called me and…we started fighting as usual. I don’t know what I can say anymore that doesn’t piss her off or make her think that I’m insulting her. If I ask about things, I’m not giving her space. If I don’t, I’m an asshole who doesn’t care. So it’s a lose-lose situation for me. There’s nothing I can really do anymore. It just makes things so hopeless. After we got off the phone, I called her back again in just five minutes. Because I sincerely wanted to talk about the underlying reason we always get into fights. I don’t even know why we’re always so hostile toward each other anymore but I just seriously want it to stop. I don’t need another enemy. Especially not anyone I care about so much like Tre. I hate arguing. Makes me sad and feel like a mean person. So…I’m not sure about her and how she feels about it, but at least on my end I’m making an honest and sincere effort to start having good conversations again without fighting. I’m just so tired of it. I just hope she feels the same way. Maybe she’s given up. But then…I guess I wouldn’t blame her.

Speaking of wishes, I guess I need to start thinking about becoming more confident myself. Yeah…

I was also thinking how I told her that sometimes she focuses so much on the wrong and the bad things in life. Then I look at myself right now, and think about how I’m doing the exact same thing about all this. I always think everything’s my fault. I wish I’d stop doing that…

I really should start taking my own advice.

What a great day, finally! I got together with Kate Jannuzi today and we went to the City Theater on the South Side. We went to see this play called Gompers. It was full of symbolism and quite honestly the first time I’d seen a live blowjob on stage *cringe*. Overall though, it was a very well written play by Adam Rapp. Surprisingly, Anthony Rapp (Mark from the Broadway musical Rent) played a small role in it. What he was doing in Pittsburgh beats me, but it’s amazing how that guy can just sound so good even when he’s not “really” singing.

It was wonderful to finally get a chance to hang out and talk with Kate too. We spend most of our conversations online which had been annoying me as of late. A very down to Earth and sincere person–she’s definitely got a lot going for her in life. Oh and Brett Mack as well as Molly Simpson were there too. So they were quite a surprise. Actually, Molly was IN the play. Damn her…she’s such a good actor. I really wish I had spent more time in the theater. I don’t know why I got so sidetracked with dance in the first place. Anyway, what a great performance by her!

Came home later in the afternoon and freakin stayed in church until 1AM in the morning…so I’m a bit tired now.

Spoke with Jenny on the phone while I waited in the car. I thank God for faithful friends like her.

…and so I’m renaming the title of this entry from “Gone Gompers!” to “Faithful Friends”

If any of you are reading this…thanks so much!!! You know who you all are. The ones that stick with me through thick and thin, through storms and uncertainty.

I gave Mike a call today and asked if he wanted to go rifling. So he made his way up here and went to my grandfathers to shoot my old 20 gauge shotgun and my dad’s 30-30. I didn’t exactly realize how many guns we owned until I lined them all up against my dad’s bed:

20 gauge shotgun

16 guage shotgun

12 guage shotgun

2 World War II rifles

A 30-30

…and one 30-0-6.

We took the 30-30 and the 20 guage out at the abandoned farm fields behind my grandfather’s house and ripped open some holes in a few plastic jugs and some soup cans. I happened to fall into the same trap as my dad and I got my freakin forehead gashed by the scope from the kick. In terms of my accuracy however, I’m definitely getting better since the first time I picked up a gun when I was 12. I shot a can from about 30-40 yards away not using just the open sights and not the scope.

And for Mike not having shot a rifle in 6 years since he was in cub scouts, his skills were pretty impressive as well.

I drove him back onto Rt. 60 so he could find his way home. Went looking for this fireman’s parade thing too. It wasn’t all that impressive…or maybe everything was just winding down, so I went home afterwards. I spoke with Kate about going to go see this play in Pittsburgh tomorrow called Gompers.

Suffice to say, doing all these things have been able to get my mind off Tre. Maybe for the better…

I don’t want to write too long, lest I start feeling sad again and crying uncontrollably. But this is it. This is what we wanted…or what she wanted. We’re taking a break from our relationship and apparently I’m giving her “space”. I thought I’d be giving her this weekend for this break, but today she told me she wanted it to be the entire summer. It’s obvious, then, that this is a clear indicator that she wants our relationship to end. Not suddenly so as to get it over with. Rather a gradual, long, painful process. Perish the thought. Makes me collapse inside.

I could go on writing down my exact feelings of doubt, sadness, misery, and contempt, but I won’t. Right now I need some friends to hang out with and talk to because at the present moment I am alone in this damn house left with only me and my thoughts.

I want Tre back…

Making shrimp fried rice today. No I don’t use chopsticks. Heh heh. Haven’t cooked stir fry since my earlier years as a freshman. Thought I’d lost it but I’ve found that I’m still pretty good. Mmm mmm….the San Francisco treat.

I’ve decided to finally post my journal entries online…edited of course. There are just some things in life I’d rather not have people know. Despite that, this blog might give some people a whole new perspective on my life…good and bad. Well that’s just going to have to be your problem. Heh heh. So…Blog On:

It’s been over a week since I got my new Kyocera slider phone

Slider Phone

I have to turn in the rebate thing postmarked by May 29 but haven’t because I’ve been out of freakin stamps!#@$

Hoping to get out with Mike sometime tonight. I need to cool off from these days past. We’re planning a nice fishing trip on Lake Arthur this weekend.