Yes that’s a Louis Vutton car. I saw this on the way to work this morning. I couldn’t help but laugh. Welcome to HollyWeird!!!

“Are you catching this?”

“Oh, yes thank you,” she says. By this point, the guy had caught up to her and they both enter the elevator. “Finally, someone’s being a gentleman,”  she says as she steals a glance at me.

I was confused at what that particular comment meant. I assumed maybe they both had been in a fight. But the conversation to follow cleared things up pretty quick.

“What? I tipped you. What more do you want?” says the guy next to her.

“You gave me 3. You said you’d give me 10.”

“So? At least I tipped you in the first place.”

“But you said you’d give me 10, Mr. Cheapskate!”

At this point there’s a long awkward moment of silence. I’m smiling on the inside, clearly having figured out what this encounter was all about. As the elevator lands on the first floor the guy quips, “That’s because I didn’t cum…”

I couldn’t help but burst into laughter as walked out of the elevator doors. Thankfully, they left in the other direction.

I remember a year ago today, I had hit rock bottom and was scrambling to find meaning and direction in my life, and to somehow regain control of what seemed was spiraling so desperately out of control. I felt mostly alone and out of hope.

And if I had only one resolution to make, it was but a simple one: Just to be happy!

The result has been a year in such stark contrast to the one prior. I’ve encountered so many amazing people both in Vegas and LA. You’ve all taught me to believe in myself again. You’ve made me realize that to bring about change in yourself doesn’t happen overnight. It happens by starting with something small. Like making your bed every morning. Or smiling at a perfect stranger. One small act leads to another. Until one day, you suddenly realize, that you’ve become something else entirely–something better.

If this year has been particularly hard on you, I hope you find the courage to turn it all around starting tonight. If it’s been one of success and well-being, I hope you find the endurance to keep it alive for years to come.

But to everyone I know, I hope this coming year brings the change you’re looking for, the happiness you deserve, and the friends with whom to share it.

This was all instigated by a flood that occurred at our apartment. Some water pipes broke in the apartments above us and flooded into ours. This in addition to my car getting broken into just a few months ago, has us really questioning the living conditions at this place. Granted the place is incredibly nice, however, the management just sucks when dealing with crisis situations.

The living room is empty…for now….

A view from the balcony

This Thanksgiving, I’m just thankful that I can find reason to smile and live.

I just can’t do the things that I love to do and be happy doing them with these feelings hanging over me all the time. For instance, rehearsing for this film shoot. I usually feel awesome being in the moment and acting and performing. And I wasn’t. I still had that empty feeling. That dark cloud.

Well…I can make it through this.

I’m getting rid of that fucking cloud!

My emotions are just so back and forth, up and down lately. It’s been almost 4 weeks now. 4 weeks, It’s a little hard to believe. One day, one moment, I’d be fine. I’d be able to talk to her and muster the emotional capacity to speak to her civilly as friends. Other days, most days really, I just find myself holding back from wanting to talk about how I feel. How I miss her company and friendship. I tell myself it doesn’t matter anyway. That all there is to talk about with her is about how she’s gone to some party the night before, got extremely wasted, and is completely hung over to even function or study or anything. And it goes on for days on end. Again, my emotions are mixed. Glad that she’s actually being social. That’s all I ever wanted her to be when she lived with me. To be social and go out and just be happy, with or without me there. But those feelings are dwarfed next to the ones that worry about her getting through school, making grades, and just doing the things she set out to do and promised herself, after all the tragedies of this year.

Lately though, the biggest, most looming feeling that’s come over me is the one that my head is telling me to do. That being to just detach myself from this person, back away, and let go. More than anger. than jealousy, than distrust, than insecurity. More than feelings of being used, feelings of confusion, feelings of abandonment, guilt. And wondering right from wrong, her fault or my fault, why this could possibly happen and how the hell we’ve come to this point…and the list can go on and on and on. More than any of these things, is that feeling to want to turn around and let go and walk away for a while. For a long time maybe. Maybe forever. I don’t know.

But even so. Even if I did those things and detached myself from ever having even spoken to her…I mean, Christ! I’ve met new people. Gone to a party here or there. Been going to the gym. Got cast in 2 independent film projects. Learning music. Painting. Just trying to keep myself busy and battling to keep myself happy from minute to minute. I’ve been meeting complete strangers, hanging out with their friends, meeting new people, and finding myself in the strangest, most bizarre, and unexpected places. Being the social outgoing Howie that I am and always have been. But there’s this big fucking emptiness at the very core of myself that will not go away. Call it whatever the hell you want.

Some things about yourself. Who you are. What you are. You don’t lose. They’re just suddenly taken away. By death. By love. By God. And after the tears, you’re left wondering how to put the pieces that are left back together.

Or to just turn around and walk away.